Underwater Daughter: A Memoir of Survival and Healing

(Paperback)

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Tunis father began sexually abusing her when she was just four years old. Her mother, though aware of the abuse, was a silent witnessone either incapable or unwilling to interveneand the abuse continued until Tuni was eleven. Three years later, when Tuni was fourteen, she was raped by an adult actor who was part of her cast in a professional theater production. These traumas would go on to shape much of her life.

Underwater Daughter follows how Tuni grappled with her relationship with her parents, the aftermath of her rape, an eating disorder, drug and alcohol excesses, and shame as she came of age and began to build a life. In order to not lose her inner innocence, in order to protect herself, in order to believe in love, she began early on to create imaginary worlds into which she could escapeto use dreams to transport her away from her fears. By early adulthood, she was well practiced at slapping lipstick (pink, frosty, kiss-me, gloss-over, perfect lipstick) over whatever darkness might be bubbling beneath. Hired by a dance company right out of high school, she found success as a dancer in Chicago and New York, but in her personal and emotional life, she continued to struggle. Ultimately, it took her decades of dancing, hiding, faking, fucking, costuming, implanting, dissociating, marrying, divorcing, and purgingall while staying silent about her past traumabefore a bike accident at age fifty-five forced her to stop and truly take stock of her life. As she did, she came to a resting place, finally, in regard to her father; developed the loving relationship shed always wanted with her mother; and came to understand that, in the end, love is all anyone wantsor needs.

Reviews

Deignans writing style is courageously confessional and creatively descriptive . . . An elegantly written and harrowing remembrance of the long-lasting impact of childhood trauma.
Kirkus Reviews

Written in rich, insightful prose,Underwater Daughtershowcases hard-won self knowledge and wisdom, while inviting readers to feel Deignans wounds and joys.
BookLife Reviews, Editor's Pick

From these pieces emerge a partial sense of how Deignan learned to reconfigure the impact of her physical and psychic pains to achieve healing and forgiveness.Underwater Daughteris a poetic memoir about transformation and transcendence after abuse.
Foreword Clarion Reviews

In Underwater Daughter, Antonia Deignan delivers a heart-shattering memoir of painful truth and soulful healing. Word by word, her powerful story dances across the page with lyrical rhythm, all while diving deep into the mind warping currents of childhood sexual abuse. Readers follow along as she swims through the many decades of emotional waves before finally learning to untangle herself from the deep. By the end, we all heal alongside her as she resurfaces to claim the light. A must-read for anyone who has ever suffered abuse at the hands of someone they loveor loved someone who has.
Julie Cantrell,New York TimesandUSA Todaybest-selling author ofPerennials

Underwater Daughteris anunflinchingly brave and nuanced memoir with lyrical prose so inventive, it will take your breath away. Deignan's book is a life-giving siren's song to memory, the body, family, survival, forgiveness, and ultimately, to love.
Julie Barton, New York Timesbest-selling author of Dog Medicine: How My Dog Saved Me from Myself

Underwater Daughteris pure magic. From her first line to her last, Antonia Deignan takes us on a wild ride, from her perilous childhood through many hardships to the resilient woman she became. Her voice is utterly inventive. Written with stunning originality and passion, this is a book readers will long remember.
Linda Schreyer, television/screenwriter and coauthor ofTears and Tequila

Underwater Daughter is a poem, an anthem, a polished crystal, and one of the most profound books I've ever read. Antonia Deignan writes of family, dysfunction, and forgiveness beyond our human experience, revealing the exquisite beauty of life in all its pain and joy. Her voice is like the wind: fierce, restorative, and new.
Debra Landwehr Engle, author of The Only Little Prayer You Need

Like the authors dancing, this memoir seems to have some nameless tune in its core. Deignan gently paints a picture of even the most difficult moments in her life. She has decided to live her life lovingly, and by doing so gives us all a path forward.
Harriet Ross, co-founder of Dance for Life and retired general manager of the Joffrey Ballet

In Underwater Daughter, the author bravely faces her humanity and dives into excavating her inner and outer life. Written with a clever hand, the read is intimate, raw, and shares unfiltered vivid memories of abuse, survival, love, trauma, dance, relationships, healing, evolution, and so much more. This memoir is a meaty, meaningful journey that kept me captivated and wanting more.
Sherry Zunker, Founder & Creator of BeMoved Dance

Antonia DeignansUnderwater Daughteris a spellbinding memoir. At once a lyrical portrait of a young womans coming of age and of a mothers coming into herself, it is a beautiful, gripping memoir of love and art, and of overcoming damage through both.Underwater Daughteris an odyssey of coming home to oneself by laying claim to ones body and desiresas a dancer, lover, mother, teacher. Wise, moving, instructive, gorgeous.
E. J. Levy, author ofThe Cape Doctor

Its poetic, descriptive, and segues into scene after scene like a dance.Antonia,I felt you as a four- and five-year-old. I pained for you and angered for you at the attention and the inattention you received fromyour parents, respectively. I am so in awe of how you are vulnerable, raw, and soothing with your writing. This took my breath away. I felt this.
Stephanie Arnold, producer, speaker, and author of 37 Seconds

Underwater Daughterstarts with disjointed pieces of prose and poetry violently breaking across the page like smashed glass. As you compulsively turn its pages, the writing gradually becomes more lyrical and coherent, the jagged shards subtly glued together to produce a beautiful and colorful mosaic out of all the broken bits. It is a writing style that perfectly suits its underlying subject.This is the story of an abused child, running from her terrors as an adult, finally made whole through self-reflection and a searing honesty. A brave, moving, and compelling work.
Richard C. Morais, author ofThe Hundred-Foot Journey

Antonia Deignan makes raw feel very accessible. Her unflinching detail mocks the painful absurdity of a world where brutal adults leave a child holding self-blame in tiny hands. Prepare your senses to move fluidly through her stunning observations in which she masterfully captures the burden of trauma at a cellular level.Never mind a life of clenched fists and secrets kept, this selfless writer opens her soul so that others may bathe in the bravery of her words. And dance. And heal.
Pamela Weiss, founder of Hold This While IP Productions, writer, and producer

In a sea of trauma memoirs,Antonia DeignansUnderwater Daughterbreaks poetically throughthesurface, like sunlight dancingonturbulent water. The evocative and beautifully crafted prose and poems that narrate Deignans transcendence leap across the pagesthe writing has the rhythm that only a trained dancer could produce. Artful, inspiring, and redemptive,Underwater Daughteris a book I will turn to again, laced as it is with love, wisdom, art, culture, and the kind of transformational forgiveness and nurturing that is the best of humanity.
Rebecca Bloom, founder of Communications Bloom and coauthor ofThe Anti-Cookbook

In Underwater Daughter, Deignan invites the reader to take a deep soul-dive using poetic imagery and beautiful prose to understand the extent of her pain from childhood trauma. Then the author continues her narrative by offering her wisdom of the healing power of movement through human suffering, bringing us to the surface again to breathe, heal, dance, and live fully.This book is a beautiful conversation seeking to connect our stories and shift us to greater love. Beautifully done.
Meg Nocero, award-winning author of The Magical Guide to Bliss, Sparkle & Shine, and Butterfly Awakens: A Memoir of Transformation through Grief

Author Bio

Antonia Deignan is a mother of five children by choice, a dancer by calling, and a writer by necessity. She was born on the East Coast but spent most of her life in the Midwest, where she danced with multiple dance companies and raised her children. She opened her own dance studio and directed a pre-professional dance company before a bike accident wish-boned her path, and her identity. Her work has been published in print magazines and online. Now retired, she resides in a beloved island home in Marthas Vineyard, where she continues to be inspired and write. This is her first book.