Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids: The Attachment Theory Guide to Raising Kids in Two Homes

(Paperback)

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If you're like most parents, you want-more than anything-for your child to feel safe, loved, and confident that their needs will be met. However, this can be difficult when you're sharing custody with an ex. Instead of working together, you may feel at war with one another, and in the end, nobody wins-especially your child. So, how can you ensure that you and your ex are on the same page when it comes to co-parenting

With this unique and highly practical guide, you'll learn the science of attachment theory, and how to apply it to your co-parenting relationship. Secure attachment refers to the bond between a parent and young child, which gives that child a stable and secure basis from which to negotiate life going forward. A child with a secure base can weather the storms of trauma and life changes -such as those caused by divorce-much more easily than a child who doesn't. Co-parents who understand this principle have a significant advantage, because they can learn how to provide secure attachment for their child, even while no longer living under the same roof.

You'll learn the "principles of engagement" for successful co-parenting:

- Commitment: Create certainty in the midst of change by committing to show up and be present for your child, thereby creating trust and reducing anxiety.
- Collaboration: Work together, with a shared vision for co-parenting, to create win-win-wins for all.
- Clarity: Maintain clear, concise, calm, and timely communications, thereby minimizing misunderstandings and providing accountability.
- Consistency: Build consistent structures in both homes to create reliable and predictable environments.
- Community: Cultivate community and external support systems, thereby expanding the circle of love.

Co-parenting is often difficult, and sometimes it can feel like a battle. But it doesn't have to be this way. Using the insight and wisdom in this guide, you'll learn how to build a solid and supportive co-parenting team. And the real winner will be your kid!

Reviews

"Smolarski offers a practical and empathetic guide for separated caregivers to building a co-parenting relationship that helps kids flourish... In this guide to creating "a co-parenting relationship that allows your child to thrive," she outlines three different attachment styles and how they affect family interactions and details key principles newly separated caregivers can follow to prioritize their child's emotional security during challenging times... The chapters cover the nature of the co-parenting relationship, making decisions, dealing with your child's emotions (and your own), developing shared values and effective communication, resolving conflicts, and maintaining consistency across two homes... Throughout the book, Smolarski emphasizes self-compassion and argues persuasively that one parent can improve family dynamics to reach what she terms a "win-win-win" by implementing her suggestions even when the co-parent isn't fully on board. Her realistic and relatable examples include diverse family structures, with children of all ages... A helpful and reassuring model of how ex-partners can put their child's happiness first."
--Kirkus Reviews (starred review)
-- "Kirkus"
"Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids offers the guidance and insight co-parents need to provide security for their children, even in the midst of a separation. Smolarski's helpful exercises, grounded advice, and easy-to-grasp framework provide a road map to navigating interactions with each other and their child. I look forward to sharing this book with many families."
--Tina Payne Bryson, LCSW, PhD, New York Times bestselling coauthor of The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline, and author of The Bottom Line for Baby--Tina Payne Bryson, LCSW, PhD
"An illuminating, hopeful, and highly practical guide. Smolarski reframes co-parenting in the most empathic and eye-opening way, and gives parents a personal road map to a secure and healthy relationship with their kids and themselves. It's a must-read!"
--Heather Turgeon, psychotherapist, and coauthor of The Happy Sleeper--Heather Turgeon
"As a licensed marriage and family therapist and divorced mom, Aurisha Smolarski knows how the bickering and battles of divorced parents can hurt a child. If you've been searching for the best guidance and tools for co-parenting, you've found the right book. Aurisha introduces the principles of secure attachment so you can form a cooperative team and improve your co-parenting approach for your child's benefit. This book is co-parenting gold."
--Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy, and author of Wired for Love and In Each Other's Care--Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT
"Co-parenting is not easy, even if both partners are committed to putting their children's sense of security first. It's even harder when one or both parents is overwhelmed with anger, loss, or worry. This book provides a useful road map, based on a deep understanding of attachment theory. The core principles and practical strategies can help any co-parent get started on a healthy path, or course-correct to a better co-parenting relationship."
--Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD, author of Playful Parenting and The Opposite of Worry--Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD
"Divorce and separation are a shock. Aurisha's practical exercises guide co-parents through the messy transitions and turbulent emotions to ease everyone through their upset and grief. Experiential activities offer self-awareness and opportunities to repair attachment wounds. When adults gain insight and skillfulness to heal themselves, children's secure attachment needs become prioritized with less stress--despite deep divides and different attachment styles. This brilliant book is a godsend in navigating divorce."
--Maggie Kline, coauthor of Brain-Changing Strategies to Trauma-Proof Our Schools, Trauma Through a Child's Eyes, and Trauma-Proofing Your Kids--Maggie Kline
"My clients eventually realize that being a peaceful parent is not about our child--it's about managing ourselves. This is also true of co-parenting. Aurisha teaches us how to regulate ourselves, manage our own difficult feelings, and successfully navigate the co-parenting relationship while compassionately supporting our child so that they can flourish growing up in two households. I recommend this book for every parent of a child with two houses!"
--Sarah Rosensweet, peaceful parenting coach and educator; and host of the top-rated podcast, The Peaceful Parenting Podcast--Sarah Rosensweet
"This book is so needed! One of the biggest stressors for parents after they decide to end their romantic relationship is how to continue parenting their kid(s). This is where Aurisha Smolarski's book comes in. She takes the fear and the stigma out of this challenging time and lays out a science-based, practical, and thoughtful guide to help parents offer a secure base for their child going forward."
--Kara Hoppe, MFT, author of Baby Bomb--Kara Hoppe, MFT
"With thirty years in family law, I value awareness. Aurisha Smolarski's Cooperative Co-parenting for Secure Kids is transformative. Highlighting co-parenting challenges and offering attachment theory-based solutions, it's more than a guide--it's a lifeline. Essential for families seeking a harmonious, restructured future."
--Susan Guthrie, leading family law attorney, mediator, and host of the award-winning Divorce and Beyond Podcast--Susan Guthrie

Author Bio

Aurisha Smolarski, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified co-parenting coach with a clinical practice in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in working with co-parents, couples, and individuals. As a mediator, mom, and co-parent herself, she is very familiar with the challenges faced by separated or divorced parents raising a child in two households. For more than ten years, she has drawn on attachment theory and other modalities to help clients navigate the emotional whirlwinds of divorce and create a secure co-parenting family.