It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You'Re Single

(Paperback)

Publishing Details

Classifications

Physical Properties

Description

If you're single and searching, there's no end to other people's explanations, excuses and criticism explaining why you haven't found a partner: "You're too picky. Just find a good-enough guy and you'll be fine." "You're too desperate. If men think you need them, they'll run scared." "You're too independent. Smart, ambitious women always have a harder time finding mates." "You have low self-esteem. You can't love someone else until you've learned to love yourself." "You're too needy. You can't be happy in a relationship until you've learned to be happy on your own." Based on one of the most popular Modern Love columns of the last decade, Sara Eckel's IT'S NOT YOU challenges these myths, encouraging singletons to stop picking apart their personalities and to start tapping into their own wisdom about who and what is right for them. Supported by the latest psychological and sociological research, as well as interviews with people who have experienced longtime singledom, Eckel creates a strong and empowering argument to understand and accept that there's no one reason why you're single - you just are.

Reviews

Praise forIts Not You

"In thiscomfortinglove letterto single women, journalist Eckel tackles 27 common criticisms trotted out to unmarried ladies of a certain ageand sets each of those chestnuts on its ear. Advocating for the women who want to marry but havent yet found their match, the author picks apart clichd observations such as youre too picky, you should have married that guy, you have low self-esteem, and youre too desperate, offering sensible responses for when these questions inevitably come up. Eckel sagely points out that when you stop picking apart your personality and endlessly replaying the game tapes of your previous relationships, you clear a lot of mental space, and she rationally discusses why each of these truisms are utterly wrong, funneling many through a Buddhist viewpoint while sharing her adventures with meditation and her own stories about dates gone wrong. Eckel also encourages women to examine whats right with their lives, rather than whats wrongsomething very difficult to do when society is passing judgment, she acknowledges, but a necessary step nonetheless. A must for any single womans personal library, this book will lend hope to the millions of unattached women who want to believe love is on the horizon." --Publishers Weekly

"What makes Its Not You stand out amid myriad dating guides is Eckels tone: devoid of sass for sasss sake, calm without preaching." Elle

Its Not You provides a cheering reminder that life is complicated, and so are people. Instead of torturing yourself with a self-improvement checklist, she asks, why not see yourself 'as a flawed but basically lovable human being' --The Boston Globe

Its Not You masquerades as self-help, but its really a manifesto, a radical declaration of truths that shouldnt be all that radical but somehow are nonetheless. Sara Eckel does what no one writing about singleness has yet had the guts to do. She points out that coupling up is often nothing more than a matter of luck and that conventional wisdom about love is no substitute for real wisdom about lifesomething she has in spades.
Meghan Daum, author of My Misspent Youth

Finally! Someone said it: Being single does not mean youre broken. Thank you, Sara Eckel, for speaking up and turning the tables on anyone who dared point their needling finger at poor old singletons negotiating the process of looking for love. Its Not You is a smart and sane respite from the incessant chatter of relationship self-help that places the single person in the middle of a perpetual makeover project. Eckel deftly argues why you dont need any of it, and shell make you think about dating in an entirely new light. Her book is fresh, relatable, funny, and empowering, and Im only one percent mad at her for not writing it sooner. Mostly, I just want to hug her and so will you.
Rachel Machacek, author of The Science of Single

Debunking the myths and well-meaning advice lobbed onto single women today, Sara Eckels Its Not You is like soothing guidance from a best friend in book form. Fearless, funny, and wise, its a reminder to single women everywhere that the best antidote to the overwhelmingly negative dating feedback that prevails is self-compassion.
Ava Chin, Urban Forager columnist and author of Eating Wildly
Sara Eckel has composed an electrically charged response to a world still eager to tie a womans value to her marital status. Its Not You is a thorough and thoughtful debunking of the myths of blame routinely foisted on women who have not (yet or ever) found mates. Eckel is funny, compassionate, and righteously resistant to the lies women are told about how personal shortcomings have damned them to singlehood, while smartly standing up to assumptions that theres anything wrong with unmarried life to begin with.
Rebecca Traister, author of Big Girls Dont Cry

Its Not You is a funny, thoughtful, and long-overdue response to every well-intentioned tool who insists single women are single because theyre too something: picky, available, desperate, intimidating, nice, negative, attractive, or, I dont know, averse to clog dancing. Instead, she assures us were fine. The only problem We simply havent met the guy of our dreams yet.
Diane Mapes, author of How to Date in a Post-Dating World

Sara Eckel counters prevailing myths about dating and marriage, and offers solace and very helpful advice to those who feel pained by prolonged singlehood. Above all, this book will resonate with readers because of the way she shares her own struggling, vulnerable heart.
Gabriel Cohen, author of Storms Cant Hurt the Sky

Part Buddhist teacher and part social critic, Sara Eckel tells single women what we older-to-marry folks wish we could go back to say to our own younger self-doubting unmarried selves.... This book is a refreshing study of women realizing the best potential of feminism: to realistically accept both the challenges, and the triumphs, of living life on ones own terms.
Paula Kamen, author of Her Way, All in My Head, and Finding Iris Chang

Author Bio

Sara Eckel has been a freelance writer for more than fifteen years. Her essays and articles have appeared in the New York Times, Salon, Forbes, Time Out New York, the Shambhala Sun, GOOD, Martha Stewart Living, Self, Glamour, Working Mother, Woman's Day, Cosmopolitan and other publications. Her short fiction has appeared in Speakeasy and Sanskrit.