How Can I Forgive You: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To

(Paperback)

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If you are struggling with issues of betrayalor the challenge of whether and how to forgivehere is the most helpful and surprising book you will ever find on the subject.Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger

Everyone is struggling to forgive someone: an unfaithful partner, an alcoholic parent, an ungrateful child, a terrorist. This award-winning book, recently updated with a new afterword by the author, provides a radical way for hurt parties to heal themselveswithout forgiving, as well as a way for offenders to earn genuine forgiveness.

Until now, weve been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, a gifted clinical psychologist and award-winning author of After the Affair, proposes a radical, life-affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our liveswithout forgiving. She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for earning genuine forgivenessone that asks as much of the offender as it does of the hurt party.

Beautifully written and filled with insight, practical advice, and poignant case studies, this bold and healing book offers step-by-step, concrete instructions that help us make peace with others and ourselves, while answering such crucial questions as these:

• How do I forgive someone who is unremorseful or dead
• When is forgiveness cheap
• Can I heal myself without forgiving
• How can the offender earn forgiveness
• What makes for a good apology
• How do we forgive ourselves for hurting another human being

Reviews

If you are struggling with issues of betrayalor the challenge of whether and how to forgivehere is the most helpful and surprising book you will ever find on the subject. Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger Clear, insightful . . . a thoughtful exposition on the nuanced role of forgiveness in relationships that goes beyond the average self-help book. Publishers Weekly Finally a book has been written that teaches couples how to make genuine forgiveness a reality without rushing toward a superficial peace. This book can help couples construct a marriage that never existed before, one based on deep understanding and trust. John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Relationship Cure This book is a treasurepractical, authentic, illuminating, and wise. Its like a breath of fresh air that puts forgiveness in a new and revealing light and provides clear steps to turn wounds into wisdom. Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind and Inner Peace for Busy People This book is a treasure trove for anyone who has ever felt betrayed or hurt in a personal relationship. Dr. Spring cuts through all the clichs surrounding forgiveness and views it within a broad spectrum of common relationshipsmother-daughter, father-son, student-teacher, husband-wife. We owe her a debt of gratitude for this enlightened and penetrating view of a universal human dilemma. Peggy Papp, author of Couples on the Fault Line: New Directions for Therapists A fresh and original approach to an ancient challenge. A clinically informed personal guide for the offender and the offended. How Can I Forgive You should be read by us all. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want Spring really shines. . . . Armed with her insights, offenders and those theyve offended have hope of recovery. Bellingham Herald

Author Bio

JANIS ABRAHMS SPRING, Ph.D., ABPP, Board Certified in Clinical Psychology, is a nationally acclaimed expert on issues of trust, intimacy, and forgiveness. She is the author of How Can I Forgive You The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To, which presents a radically new approach to forgiving interpersonal wounds, and Life with Pop: Lessons on Caring for an Aging Parent. A recipient of the Connecticut Psychological Association's Award for Distinguished Contribution to the Practice of Psychology, Dr. Spring trains thousands of therapists each year and is known for the richness and originality of her clinical skills. Dr. Spring received her B.A. from Brandeis University, magna cum laude, her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Connecticut, and her postgraduate training from Aaron Beck, M.D., at the Center for Cognitive Therapy at the University of Pennsylvania. She has served as a clinical supervisor in the department of psychology at Yale University and often appears as a guest expert in the national media. In private practice for thirty-five years, Dr. Spring resides in Westport, Connecticut. She and her husband, Michael Spring, have four sons and four grandchildren.