To Have and Not to Hold: The Bonding of Two Mothers through Adoption

(Paperback)

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When Lorri Antosz Benson, a 24-year-old successful producer for a groundbreaking national television show, finds herself in an impossible situation, she digs deep and faces the heartbreaking reality that the best choice for her beloved new baby is to be raised by someone else.To Have and Not to Hold is the poignant account of Lorri's momentous decision to give her daughter for adoption, the resulting heartache, and later, the unexpected joy of reconnecting with her daughter and her daughter's adoptive mother. With agonizing yet heartwarming honesty, Lorri offers a profound look at a deep connection of two mothers that is born with the cry of a newborn daughter. What begins as a fragile, tenuous link develops into something dreams and miracles are made of relationships that go to the soul, are meant to be, and are devoid of fear and possessiveness. To Have and Not to Hold holds much inspiration for any adoptive parent, adoptee, or first/birthparent, but it's a story that anyone will find impossible to put down.

Reviews

"Lorri Bensons book is wonderful for many reasons: It offers important insights into a too-little-understood means of forming a family, it provides a mirror for our own reflections about love and parenting, and it simply tells a compelling story. The aspect of it that resonates most with me, though, is how genuinely it portrays the vulnerable human beings involved in the process and the extraordinary impact that it has on thembefore, during and after an adoption. Agree or disagree with the authors ultimate decision, To Have and Not toHoldwill pull you in, will make you cry and will teach you a lot. Quite a combination for quite a book."
Adam Pertman, President of the National Center on Adoption and Permanency and author ofAdoption Nation

"Anyone touched by adoption needs to read this book and inhale Lorri's story. Lorri's circumstances as a 24 year old, employed woman are not completely typical of women who find themselves with an unplanned pregnancy. However, her emotional experiences of learning of her pregnancy, forming a relationship with her unborn baby, grappling with her options within herself and with people in her life, and finally making a decision after Aimee's birth DO completely represent the truth of each birth mother's journey. Board members and staff of adoption organizations should especially take note: adoption is not a transaction. Our obligation is to recognize and honor the fact that the decision to make an adoption plan becomes a part of the fabric of each birth parent's life. And it is a powerful fabric indeed."
Julie Tye, President of The Cradle

"To Have and Not to Holdboosts us all highenough to peek over the wall that surrounded the author during this deep and very personaldrama. We become witnesses to the moralcourage of a cast of people who know what lovemeans, most especially the mother who was theanswer to Lorri's prayersthe mother whoadopted Aimee and fiercely loves her daughterKatherine."
Phil Donahue

"To Have and Not to Holdis a beautiful memoir about a woman who made an adoption plan and lived to tell about it. It is a fantastic read for everyone touched by adoption or even those who are curious about it."

Adoption.com, (https://adoption.com/adoptions-books-review-of-to-have-and-not-to-hold)

"I don't know Lorri personally but after reading her memoir I feel like I do. I guess that's the point with memoirsto peek into someone's life and attempt to feel what they were feeling. Almost immediately, I knew that she was someone I'd want to be friends with.I loved this book because it was honest. I could put myself into her shoes as she detailed the ups, downs, doubts, insecurities, surprises along the way, and the joys. The difficulty of her decision weighed heavily on me throughout the book, especially early on. But I was also struck by the strong influence of the people around her. There was a cast of characters in her life that shared their opinions like her parents, boyfriend, siblings, social worker, boss, colleagues, friends, etc. For good or for bad, this is true for all expectant mothers. There are so many voices that it can overwhelm an already overwhelming situation.

My . . . hope is that all birth mothers have an adoptive mother as loving, selfless and respectful as Anne was and is to Lorri. The subtitle alludes to this, but the bond between these mothers is really beautiful. I'll save those details for those who choose to read the book. But I can only imagine that this story could also be difficult to read if you do not have a close relationship with your child's adoptive or birth family. Though I was encouraged by Lorri's closing thoughts in her epilogue . . . "
BeBrave.Org

Author Bio

Lorri Antosz Benson is an award-winning television producer, writer, author, and former internationally syndicated columnist. Most notably, she worked for Donahue, the acclaimed show hosted by the legendary Phil Donahue, for fifteen years, eight of which were spent as Senior Producer. Lorri received two Emmy Awards and ten Emmy nominations for her work with Donahue, and was awarded the American Women in Radio and Television Commendation several times.She went on to write a nationally syndicated column for eleven years called "Talk the Talk," a behind the scenes look at the world of talk television. During that period, she also spent two years as the executive producer of Golden Lifestyles, a regional talk show in Southwest Florida.Lorri's first book, Distorted, was a memoir coauthored with her daughter Taryn, which delved into Taryn's struggle with an eating disorder and the effect on the family. They were featured on many national broadcasts, including the Today Show and the Montel Williams Show. Lorri's work has led her to become a family advocate and a speaker/expert on eating disorders, adoption, and resources for parents. She is founder and CEO of Family Matters, her family advocacy organization. She serves on the Parent, Family & Friends Network steering committee for the National Eating Disorder Association and is also on the board of Harvest Home, a Los Angeles-based organization which houses and assists pregnant homeless women.Lorri's latest book, Adopting Hope, is published by Familius Publishing and due Fall 2018. A tremendous resource for any parent, but especially for those in the adoption world, it is a collection of stories, lessons learned, tips, and words of wisdom from birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees from all over the country. This book follows To Have And Not To Hold, the first in a series of three books for those involved in adoption. To Have And Not To Hold covers the relinquishing of her first child, Aimee, for closed adoption, and the subsequent development of a flourishing relationship with her and her family, with a focus on the connection between the two mothers.Lorri also maintains a blog for empty nesters, Feathering My Empty Nest at www.FeatheringMyEmptyNest.tumblr.com. She and her husband, Steve, reside in Santa Monica, CA. They have four children and five grandchildren.